Reality hit me like a brick today.
My last day of junior year was Friday, and some of my friends came over that night. We had fun that afternoon, and when we got home we decided to just chill and watch a movie. My non-op hip had been acting up all week, and that night it was simply unbearable. I laid on the couch as we watched the movie, tears streaming down my face. I felt bad, because I was being the worst hostess alive, but functioning was just impossible. My friends were very sweet and understanding, and let me be.
As I was laying there, throwing myself a silent pity party, I realized that they were seeing the side of my life I had only ever shown my family before. That night was bad, yes, but far from uncommon. Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m getting to the point of this.
I realized that they were seeing my reality. No one had really ever seen it before. Being the selfish, sinning human I am, I felt relieved. I felt relieved that they were seeing what my life was like, because I’m always scared that people think I’m being a wimp. Because I care what people think too much. Maybe this will show them why I complain (too much). Maybe this will eliminate any doubts they had about my struggle.
Maybe this will make them feel sorry for me.
My hip still hasn’t settled down, and neither has the pity party. It is far too easy for me to forget that my situation is far from terrible. Far from hard. Far from impossible.
This morning at church, my pastor talked about reality. He talked about the reality we have in Jesus. And here it is:
Jesus died for me. He died a terrible death for me. He held my sins on his sagging shoulders so that one day I may meet Him. So that one day I may meet the maker of the stars.
So here’s the deal. There are two realities. There is your physical reality and your spiritual reality. And though they should coincide, they often don’t. I know mine don’t.
My friends saw my physical reality. Its painful, its hard and it kind of sucks.
What they didn’t see is my spiritual reality. My Savior. The maker of the stars. Holding my hand through every hard day. Through every good day. Through every decision. Through every question. And that is my fault. Because God does everything for me and I do far from anything for Him.
That being said, here is my prayer :
“But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul.”
– “Even If” by MercyMe –
The soul within us is so often unwell. And to call it well is one of the hardest thing to do as Christians, in my opinion. The only being who can bring us that peace is the only being that contains the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I hope you are realizing the beauty that lies within our spiritual reality. Because it is beautiful.
Thanks for sticking with me even when it takes me ages to post something! I hope you all are enjoying your summer!
All my love,
P.S. If you would like to listen to “Even If” (which I strongly encourage you to) here it is: