Hey hey hey! 🙂
Its been a while. Its been a long while. I’m not really sure what I am going to write about, but we’ll see.
I just haven’t been feeling rooted these days. I feel disconnected and overwhelmed. I told myself a long time ago that I was going to stay deeply rooted to myself, my interests, my family and friends, and, most diligently, my faith.
Something snatched that away from me. When my grandpa died, I thought the only way to stay sane was to distract myself and not think. Then my hips fell apart on me, and now I have to go out-of-state for hip surgery in January after a long and draining four-month process. All this to say, I’m completely and utterly distracted. And not just because of circumstance, but because of my own fear.
I don’t think about my upcoming surgery because it terrifies me. People ask me, “Are you scared, sad, mad, relieved?”, and I usually give them a simple, short, lacking-in-depth answer, because a true answer would involve thinking. And to think is to remember that I won’t see my grandpa again in this lifetime and that there is a chance I will never play volleyball again.
To think is to process.
To process is to realize all of my struggles are completely out of my control.
To realize this is to be forced to either, continue to rely on my own understanding and struggle immensely, or lose my stubborn nature and give my life to God.
Yep, there it is, I’m being a human. I’m refusing to give God the reins and put my trust in Him. I’m refusing to truly understand that there is nothing I can do. That God knows what is going to happen, and He will provide.
So here I go. I’m going to think. I’m going to process. I’m going to realize. I’m going to become deeply rooted again. I’m going to go visit my brand new, precious baby cousin and I’m going to have sleepovers with my friends and I’m going to watch as much soccer as I want (even though I do that anyways) and I’m going to revel in this festive time of year and I’m going to read whatever book I’m reading more often and I’m going to jam to Christmas music in my car in early November and I’m going to make time for God, not just run to Him when it is convenient.
I’m going to do whatever I need to do to reorient myself in this whirlwind we call life.
Because I’m realizing that it isn’t enough to do my devotionals every night. It isn’t enough to know the songs and go to church. To be deeply rooted is to think about Christ beyond the initial He saved me and I am forgiven. To be deeply rooted is to trust Him in every aspect; the good, the bad, the ugly. And though life is beautiful, there is definitely some ugly in there too. 😉
Thanks for listening to me figure this out. I needed this afternoon; watching soccer and writing this. I feel rooted. Maybe not deeply yet, but definitely rooted.
All my love,